


You Were Supposed To Be OK

by impish_nature



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Aftermath, Everything Hurts, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post 75, so many i love yous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 01:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15014009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impish_nature/pseuds/impish_nature
Summary: In the aftermath, Ben finally finds Sammy. And they have a conversation they should have had a long time ago. (Post 75).





	You Were Supposed To Be OK

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Ran got me into a new podcast called King Falls AM. Please listen to it before reading this if you are interested because this is set after the last episode and honestly, you do not want spoilers for this podcast, trust me.  
> For those who have listened to the podcast, hopefully Post episode 75 is enough of a warning for what will be in this x

The car was far too quiet.

It was surreal, a strange atmosphere that closed in on the occupants, even as they sped down large empty streets and past twisting woodland, the night sky wide and open above them. It didn't feel real and yet far  _too_  real all at once, a small suffocating bubble filled with high tensions and heavy hearts. Where before there had been terror, that fizzling fear at only hearing snippets of the issues at hand, at being able to do nothing but sit and listen and hope- now there was just the hollow cold lingering in his chest, the darkness pressing up against the window pane. 

The lingering, haunting shadows of all the things that had happened that night.

And all the things that had been missed in the moments leading up to it.

Because they had-  _h_ _e had_  missed them. He had missed the signs, missed the signals.

He'd known his friend was hurting, but he hadn't realised-

Ben closed his eyes, tried to physically block it all out. Tried to block out the night and the shadows and all the lingering whispers that the world wasn't as it should be.

...It was hard though, you couldn't really block out your own thoughts, after all.

"We'll find him, Ben."

He tried not to bite his lip, to snap back at the man beside him, driving the car, tense and fretful. Tried not to shrug the hand away that came to rest on his shoulder, placating and warm, from Emily in the back seat but- it was hard, so hard. 

And he knew he was worrying them, knew he should try and say something. Anything.

Anything to help them as well. To reassure them, to comfort them. A joke, a soft word, something to let them know he wasn't falling apart at the seams even though he wasn't entirely sure himself.

...The car was too quiet.

 _He_  was too quiet.

But he knew if he started, if he tried to say anything, then the panic that was buried deep in his chest would rise up over the dam, crumble all of his defences down into the mud, and he'd never be able to stop until every last word, every last fear, burst out of him in a torrent to flood the car and take them all down with him. 

So instead, the silence stretched on. On and on, tense and coiled, a spring pulled taunt as far as it would go. 

And if he broke it, gave in and spoke, he knew he'd break with it.

He'd never find him if he let that happen.

And he  _had_  to find him.

He just didn't know what to do. He was stuck, helpless and lost inside a car he wasn't even driving. Staring out, wide eyed and scanning, desperately hoping that he'd just see Sammy out there in the dark. He didn't care that there was no reason for him to be out there, didn't care that they had to figure out where he'd have gone after everything that had happened. All he cared about was that for once, he just wanted the planets to align and for Sammy to just be there with him and for the world to make sense again. 

Because right now, none of it made sense, absolutely none of it.

_If it wasn't for you, I'd have been gone a long time ago._

He needed to find him. Needed to make sure he was safe, and OK. Needed to make sure he knew- really knew just how much he meant to him too.

He was his brother, his best friend.

And he'd almost lost him. _Twice_  in one night.

"Benny?"

The quiet tone broke through his thoughts, the squeeze to his shoulder a nervous fizzle of comfort that he couldn't help but cling to.

"Yeah- yeah, of course we will."

"That's the spirit." Troy gave him a quick glance, a smile that didn't reach his eyes in the same way that neither of their words held much conviction behind them.

They were all so close to breaking, chips and cracks slipping through masks that were wobbly at best and already crumbling to dust at worst. He could feel the tremor that couldn't be quelled in Emily's hand as it clenched around his arm, could see the red rings already blotchy and wet around Troy's eyes. He could feel his own dark, cold silence like an unwanted passenger, a force he couldn't seem to push past even when words were his forte.

They'd all been trying so hard to keep Sammy with them, had questioned all of his motives for leaving, but even when everything hadn't made sense, when his answers had fallen flat and only given them more questions, the alternative had been too dark to even think about-

Though apparently not for Sammy.

And it broke his heart that Sammy had been in so much pain and he hadn't been able to help him, hadn't been  _allowed_  to help him. 

His eyes caught on the radio station, the slightly smoking wreckage that had almost been a home to him for four years. The place he had spent his nights, with his best friend, torn to shreds and barely recognisable as the metal tower twisted and creaked to one side-

"Go there." 

Troy followed his finger towards the tower, face twisting thoughtfully but unconvinced. "Buddy. I'm not sure-"

"I am. Go there. He didn't come to us at the auditorium and he wouldn't just go home. He's up there, I'm- I think, that is- He has to be-" The words wouldn't come out, but he knew. He just knew.

Because if he was wrong then he didn't know where else to go. They'd already done rings around the streets, asked everyone they'd past who also seemed hellbent on finding him too.

"Alright, alright, I guess there's a chance. I just hope he hasn't tried to go in there or anything."

If it was any other night Ben might have joked back that at least Merv would have to buy some new equipment for them now. That they could finally get out of the dark ages.

But it really didn't feel right. 

Stuff could be replaced, of course it could, he'd told Sammy that only a few months ago when everything had started to fall apart.

But Sammy couldn't be replaced. 

"Is that Sammy's car?"

Ben's eyes snapped back out the window as Emily pointed, pulling herself forward in her seat to make sure. His heart lifted at the familiar sight, though dimmed again at the wide open front door, left as it was without a care, the lights still on and flickering dolefully, with no Sammy in sight.

He turned away from it without a word, eyes scanning ahead as they got closer to the radio station. It hurt to see it like that. The building was crushed, brick and mortar lost amidst groaning metal and shattered glass. Lost amidst pieces of the ship that had split in two and crash landed right on top of the place filled with so many memories. 

He gulped, tearing up, wondering why after everything it was this that made him crumble. Maybe it was just the final straw, maybe it was the fear that he'd never see Sammy again and now he'd lost another piece of the puzzle. Maybe it all mixed into one, this strange tapestry of pain that had been tonight- 

And then he saw him. 

Sammy. 

Ben couldn't get out of the car quick enough.

Troy had barely stopped, realising what Ben was going to do but not fast enough. The seat belt was off, his feet scrambling against moving pavement as he all but threw himself against the door.

"Ben! Wait a gosh darn second-"

He didn't even wait to hear him finish his sentence. 

He was off. Darting off into the night and he wasn't even sure if the other two were right behind him because all he could see was  _Sammy_. Sammy stood alone, a tiny silhouette stood before the ruins. He seemed so small, so fragile, a pale figure standing hunched and defeated before the darkness and Ben couldn't have it. He needed him to turn around, needed him to joke that Ben was the short one, not him. Needed him to break out the sarcasm and the sass if only to pretend that the world was alright before they finally sat down and talked like they should have a long time ago.

He needed his Sammy back.

"Sammy!" 

He didn't even seem to hear him.

It didn't matter though as they collided, as he launched at him and pulled him close, burying his face in his chest, taking comfort in the steady thump of his heartbeat against his cheek.

"God,  _Sammy_! Don't do that to me." He closed his eyes, tightening his grip as if scared that he'd vanish all over again. He knew it must hurt, knew he was gripping too tightly but he couldn't seem to help himself, couldn't pull away, couldn't stop himself from pulling him in, more and more, and hoping desperately that all of his love, all of his fear was conveyed in that one simple action. 

Only-

Sammy wasn't hugging back.

Nor was he complaining that he was hurting him in that teasing tone he loved and hated so much.

"Sammy?"

Ben hazarded a glance upwards, catching sight of his face for the first time. There was a glazed edge to it, a haze that covered his eyes and leached his skin of colour as he stared up at the old radio tower as if Ben had never barrelled into him in the first place. He just stood there, shaking ever so slightly, wobbling as if his knees could give out on him at any moment, his arms listless at his sides.

He hadn't realised how cold he was.

Ben ran a hand up and down Sammy's bare arm, struggling to bring some needed heat to his shaking friend, though he wasn't entirely sure the tremors were due to the cold, or something else, or whether he was adding his own to the mix and amplifying them. "What- what are you doing out in the middle of the night without a coat, Sammy? That's dumb even for you." He tried to grin, waiting for the snark, waiting for the eye roll and the embarrassed grumble, but it never came, the jab falling on deaf ears as Sammy continued to stare into the middle distance.

The fear was settling in again now, the relief at finding him cooling and solidifying in his gut as Sammy swayed with every whistle of the wind, looking for all intents and purposes as if the world had fallen around his ears and left him hollow and alone inside his own head.

He couldn't have that.

"Jack in the box Jesus, did you turn into a solid ice cube while we were out hunting for you? Here-" He started to struggle out of his coat, knowing full well it wouldn't fit, but at least it was something. Anything was better than nothing at that moment. 

He glanced around them as he did so, noticed Troy and Emily stood outside but waiting at the car, giving them some space but concerned all the same. He was just about to say something, just about to ask for help, when-

A hand caught his arm and nothing else mattered again.

He jumped, eyes turning quickly back to Sammy, though he still wasn't looking at him. His hand held tight around his forearm, stopping him from taking off his coat and pushing it back on him in one sluggish movement. 

Well at least it was something.

"Sammy? Sammy, can you hear me? You're freezing, you should really-"

His head shook, hand tightening again around the sleeve as he tugged it further up Ben's arm.

OK, so he could hear him. Another good sign.

"Say something, man. I need you to- are you hurt? Did they hurt you?" 

He shook his head again, the fog slowly lifting from his eyes as he blinked slowly but continuously.

And then a question he didn't want to ask tumbled out of his mouth to rest around them in the cold, open air.

"...Do you want me to go?"

This got a larger response, a strong tremor ripping through him as he shook his head again, still staring far ahead, though closer if Ben had to guess.

"OK. I'll be right here then." 

Silence echoed around them, their steady breathing loud and grating to his ears as he tried to wait patiently for Sammy to come back to him. He rested a hand on the small of his back, rubbed soothing circles as he continued to reassure himself that Sammy was right beside him, living, breathing even if he wasn't entirely there just yet.

It would be tough but he'd stand there as long as he needed him. He wouldn't leave him alone, not yet, not now, not until he told him to and even then-

"You were supposed to be OK when I was gone."

Ben jumped, the words loud and abrasive after the tense silence. They were choked words, strangled by a wave of emotion. He turned back to staring at Sammy, watched as tears slowly slipped down his cheeks and he tried his best not to follow suit and crumple on him. "Sammy-"

"You were  _supposed_  to be OK." Sammy finally turned to him, eyes snapping to his, watery but finally, reassuringly present as he shook again. "This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this. You were going to be fine without me."

"No. No, I really wasn't."

"You were." Sammy's breathing hitched as he shook his head, his face falling somehow further than it already had. "I couldn't even do that right."

"Stop, don't say-"

"But it's  _true_." The words broke and Sammy seemed to break with them, leaning against him and finally giving in to the comfort Ben was offering. "I needed you to be OK. I needed you all to go on and live and keep going without me. You didn't need me. I'd already failed Jack, already failed so many people-"

"Sammy-"

"I couldn't fail you guys too. I was a fraud- a fake, and I was sure you'd all realise soon enough that I just wasn't worth it."

"You are worth so much. Don't ever think that- I love you, Sammy."

"No. No, I'm not." Sammy sighed, shaking his head but Ben only pulled him in tighter at the notion. "I don't..."

Ben waited, impatient, but trying desperately not to talk over him.

"...I don't get why you do."

The words only broke his heart further, tears finally pushing past all his defences as he gripped Sammy all the more. "Well, I do."

"Jack did too. And I never got that either."

"Maybe we all see something you don't." 

Sammy closed his eyes, a deep whistling breath escaping him along with an ironic smile. "I don't see how. I've been living so many lies, I'm not sure who Sammy Stevens even is anymore."

"...We do. We see him. And we love him."

There was another beat of silence before Sammy looked over at him forlornly, once more, his tear-streaked face only adding to Ben's grief. An image he knew would haunt him for the rest of his days, and the countless nights when he would remember how close his friend had been to leaving them.

"I  _miss_  him, Ben. I loved him so much and he's  _gone_  and- and I failed him."

"You haven't- don't say that, we can-"

"We  _can't_. I can't...  _I_  can't hope like that, Ben. I want to believe you. I do. Of course I do. But if I give in, if I try to be a hero and fail all over again- I can't live with that, Ben. I can't do this. It hurts too much."

"It seems like it hurts too much whether you try or not, Sammy."

Sammy closed his eyes at that, a huff of cold laughter escaping him at the truth. "Right. I guess either way I'd made my decision. But the thought of anyone else getting wrapped up in this- and you were so determined to help. So determined to make things better when they'll never  _be_  better- I couldn't have you doing that. I couldn't have you wasting or ruining your life for a cause that would never- I had to leave, I had to put a stop to all of that before it could start. I needed to go so you could all move forward."

"...I would have never stopped looking for you, you know."

Sammy gave a whine of distress. "Ben, don't say that. That wasn't- that was never the point."

"I know it wasn't. But that doesn't mean it isn't true. I need you, Sammy.  _We_  need you. You seem to think we'd all do well without you but we wouldn't. We've been trying to tell you that for weeks now. Maybe you don't get it, but we do-  _I_  do love you, Sammy. And we're going to do everything we can to make sure you realise that." Ben rested his head against his shoulder, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. "I would have fought tooth and nail against those rainbow lights, just like I did for Emily, and I would do the same against the shadows. And you know what else? I wouldn't be the only one."

"Ben. Stop.  _Please_. I can't- I can't think about you getting caught up in all this. That's why I had to try. I had to go to him. So that you'd stop trying to bring him back. Because if he couldn't be here with me..."

"You'd go be with him instead." Ben gulped as Sammy shook again, arms finally coming up to cling around him in return.

"It wouldn't let me, Ben. It didn't even seem to want to let me find it. I kept going deeper and deeper but there was nothing but trees and- for awhile I stopped caring. I hadn't planned- I wasn't leaving that place whether or not-"

"Please don't say it."

"But I  _did_. I did find it. And it was like staring through a locked door and I was sure he was on the other side but I couldn't see him and-" His voice broke off again. "I kept trying to force my way through and the- I don't- I don't know- the doorway? Kept getting bigger and bigger but it wouldn't let me through. And then stuff started seeping through from the other side-"

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

"The shadows." Sammy gulped, pulling away so that he could look Ben in the eye again. "Ben. I need you to know- I  _promise_ , when I realised- when it was clear that I couldn't get through without letting that- that  _thing_ \- out. I tried to stop it. I tried to close it again. But then I heard him- and Debbie- and nothing I did seemed to work and-"

"Shh. It's alright. It's OK, Sammy. What matters is you're safe. That it didn't take you. I don't- I don't care. I'm just glad I didn't lose you."

"But it's not. Ben, I- I've made everything worse. If it had just taken me then- but it didn't and now Walt's- Walt's gone, isn't he? I got someone else hurt because I couldn't just give in and let go-"

"Stop saying that-"

"And now those things- they got out. They followed us, Walt said he'd keep them in the forest but who knows if that will last or for how long and- I can't do anything right. I tried to stop you all following me and now I've brought it all out to you instead. I just failed everyone all over again-"

" _Sammy_!" Ben winced as his friend flinched from the sound but quietened down all the same. "Sammy, you didn't fail anyone. You tried. You tried to stop it all but you got back to us. That's what matters.  _Nothing_  else matters. We can tackle this problem together if you let us in to help you. You escaped the shadows and you escaped the rainbow lights." Ben hiccupped, a half laugh escaping him. "I'd say you're doing pretty well if you ask me."

The line fell flat but he hadn't really expected anything else.

Still, something about Sammy shifted at that moment.

"Ben. I know- I know I scared you. And I am sorry, I can't say how sorry I am for that." He took a deep breath, a shuddering exhale that seemed to make him smaller again. "I- when Walt found me, it was like I suddenly realised what I was doing. He gave me the hand I needed to pull away, to run back to-" He gestured uselessly, before scrubbing a hand through his tangled hair with another cold bark of a laugh. "And of course, as soon as I start thinking about fucking living again- those lights appeared. And I needed you to know how much you had meant to me, how much you had done for me before my second chance got snatched away from me."

"It didn't though. It didn't get taken away. You're still here."

Sammy looked at him, really looked at him for the first time that night, eyes focused and serious as he took the words in. "You're right."

"Of course I am. I usually am, you know."

"As if."

Ben couldn't help the spark, the burst of a smile as the snark fell from his friends lips without struggle.

Sammy took another deep breath, finally breaking away from the view before them to glance around. He winced when he took in the others, taking a step back. "Fuck."

"What? Sammy, what's wrong?"

He looked back at Ben, nervous and fearful in equal measures. "Are they angry at me?" He gave another dismal hiccup of a laugh. "It's funny really. I wanted you all to be upset with me. Enough that you wouldn't look for me, but now we're where we are- I never thought I'd have to deal with all that..." He shook again, face falling. "I was trying so hard to let you all move on and now you all know and- I'm such a coward- you have every right to be angry but I don't know if I can..."

"Sammy. Sammy, it's going to be OK. No one's mad at you. If anything, we're all just relieved. You scared us, but this isn't as bad as if we'd actually lost you. And if anyone is mad at you, then they're not- your friends aren't mad at you. Your friends are concerned and want to help you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. So you better stay put so they can show you that."

Sammy blinked at him, before a warmer, more genuine laugh fell from his lips. "I- OK, OK if you're sure."

"Of course, I'm sure." Ben rolled his eyes, giving him a playful shove. "And I already said. We would have looked for you. You can't just make your friends hate you that easily. I thought we made it clear that we weren't giving up on you."

"...That's if you would have realised."

"What?"

"I planned it. My house is all boxed up, everything's gone if you went and looked. I was just going to make it look like I had gone like I said I would. The only thing was my car, but none of you should have gone near that place so-"

Ben's heart sank into his stomach, but he refused to let the mood sink again. Instead he scoffed, watching as Sammy's forehead crinkled in confusion. "What kind of journalist do you take me for? I would have had a notebook just for you. You don't think I would have checked up on wherever you were meant to be going? I would have found out. You know I would have."

"You and your blasted notebooks."

"Yeah well, you know me. You wouldn't have been able to disappear that easily. What do you take me for?"

"I guess I wasn't thinking straight."

"I feel like there's a joke there, but I'm going to try my best not to take it."

Sammy laughed again, lighter and more himself with every breath.

"Ben?"

"Yeah."

"You know, I love you, right?"

"Course I do, so you better keep going for me, then, hadn't you?"

"I'll do my best."

"And you'll tell me if you're struggling, right?"

"...I'll try my best with that as well."

"Sammy..."

"I mean it- I really will. I- can't promise anything, but I really do want to use this second- third? chance."

Ben raised an eyebrow at him, something about it not quite sitting right.

Sammy sighed at the expression. "Alright. I don't know what damage I've done. And- I might not be a hero, but I'm not about to bail out and let you guys get hurt because of me." His face shifted guiltily. "I'm sorry, that's not the answer you want to hear."

"No, but I'll take it for now. Anything's better than nothing if it means you staying here in King Falls where we can help change your mind even more." Ben slapped him on the back, resting his hand there as he did so. "Come on, lets get you somewhere warm before you freeze entirely and I can use you as a statue on my lawn." 

"I don't think I'd make the best lawn ornament."

"Maybe not, but at least I could keep an eye on you until you thawed out." 

"...I'll take that as there's almost certainly already a notebook planned that will be monitoring me from now on."

"Oh, you can be sure of that. It's what I do."

"It's what you do." Sammy smirked, trying his best though it seemed to catch at the edges. "That is, when there's no longer a reason to try and force contracts at me at every turn."

"Are you kidding? There's one in Troy's car right now for you. Don't think the radio station being ruined gets you out of that particular commitment."

"It doesn't?"

"Nope." Ben popped the 'p' as he pushed Sammy forward. "The town really can't do without the Sammy and Ben show. Did you hear their newest attempt? The Ben Arnold show just wasn't the same."

"I'm sure it would have done great."

"Believe me, it wouldn't have. I am not great on my own." He leaned in close. "Besides, I'm scared they'll try and send me more white roses if you're not there."

"You think I'm a white rose deterrent?"

"I don't think. I know." Ben snorted. "I'm not sure you get invited to those kinds of things after fighting the mayor."

"Damn, that means I can't reject the invite if it never comes." 

"Yeah, well, another reason to hang around just in case then. That and the chance to follow Emily's lead and punch Frickard in the face." 

"Does he need another one?"

"Does he ever not need one?"

"...Fair. And point taken."

"Is it? I don't know if it is. I mean, there's Troy becoming Sheriff that you definitely need to see and help with- and don't say you won't when you already did a commercial for him. And then there'll be the next mayoral elections- you've got to help me convince Ron that he really does have a shot and-"

"Ben. I get it. You can stop." 

"Not happening. I'll be thinking up reasons all the way home. Our first broadcast will be all the reasons you should stay with us." Ben winced at his own wording. "I mean- I don't, I know forcing the issue hasn't helped obviously over the last few weeks, heck I may have made things worse. And I won't bring up- I mean I still want to try and bring back Jack for you but-"

"Ben, you didn't- you did everything you could. I just wouldn't let you in and the more I got pushed, the more I couldn't seem to get the words out-"

"Exactly. I just meant. We're here for you. That's all. We just want to prove that to you." Ben gripped his shoulder tightly once more. "I'm sorry I didn't realise sooner just what you were going through."

"Ben, that's not on you-"

"It is though. I should have realised. You were in so much pain and none of us saw it. But now- now we can help."

"I'm starting to think that too."

Ben felt his heart heal as Sammy gripped the hand on his shoulder just as hard. "Sammy?"

"Yeah?"

"You know, I love you too, right? Like, really know."

Sammy gave his hand a squeeze, sighing, though with a soft smile on his face.

"Yeah. Yeah I really think I might now."

"Well, you better. Because otherwise I'll say it more than I already do- and considering that's a lot as it is, that's going to get excessive fast."

"Oh, I don't doubt you for a second."

"Good, you really never should." Ben wrapped an arm around his shoulder with a cheeky grin. "I guess I might as well start now. I-"

"Ben, stop it."

"Never."


End file.
